"A new sense of freedom has arrived. I am sad to lose Steven, but it's his time to find his own potential.  Depression will cloud your reality in such a pervasive manner that you forget what you are endowed with, what you enjoy, what you want from life. I want him to remember those things for himself. I can't tell if he felt pressure from me or from the general sense of pressure that can come from being in a relationship. Regardless, I don't think now is the time for us. That doesn't mean the future may not hold something, if we are both wiser and stronger. At this point in my life, I can't put my eggs in any basket until my own is full."

----

So, I don't want to alter things that I've written. But. It's interesting to read this paragraph in retrospect. To look at it from a stylized perspective, the topic sentence is "A new sense of freedom has arrived." This communicates what the paragraph will entail. Instead of writing about my own freedom, I choose to write about his. I won't lie, my heart kind of plummeted when I realized it. A new sense of freedom! "But it's time for him to find his own potential." What about my life? Nothing like childhood to engrain some codependent, put the other person's feelings before your own, thinking patterns. It's time for me to find and understand my own potential. What I am endowed with and what I enjoy. To live my life for me. Imagine. How riveting.  Steven was the only person I showed this blog to. Part of me is afraid he is reading. I know in my heart he understands, but I can't help but fear he could feel hurt. My heart knows his heart knows. Heart always knows... Like mine knows it's been left out to dry too long. So ready to plunge myself in the depths of life! If I could only write of the strangely glorious things I have experienced in the short weeks I have been single. I am doing exactly what I want to do with my life. Living it so fully I could never question if I allowed myself to brazen the bizarre, odd, and ultimately fulfilling experiences that can make living such a raw experience. 

Life.
is.
absurd.
bizarre.

Is this real life?
'

Love your wounds - they reveal what matters most to you, what your deepest soul longing is and what you came to heal in the collective. That is why we chose to incarnate into the families and situations we did, so that we could experience that affliction, and take it on as our own and then rise above it for All...

Love your so-called flaws, they are spiritual jewels that mark our journey and reveal where we let go of the physical to embrace the spiritual fully. It connects us to the deeper soul journey ~ wisdom, maturity, depth and transcendence. We are programmed to see them as flaws, when they are an initiation into the deeper mysteries.

Love your dysfunctions and the things that cause you to lose friends, successes or throw you into life lessons. They help us to find humor, liberation and our inner child and releases us from caring so much about what others think and allows us to find a deeper love of self and rise above the judgements of others.

Love your pain, It teaches forgiveness, tolerance, patience and it gives us the humility we need to unite together in higher consciousness and integrity... It shows us our healing power and how to transform, face our demons and get real with who we truly are and what we need to share and express.

Love your insecurities, they are a part of our genius and higher aspects of self that have just been shut down or unsupported. They show us our gifts and creativity and help us to let go, take risks and be comfortable in our own skin with our own boundaries and standards.

Love your Ego/identity when in crisis, let it be a compass pointed at your higher self, so that all actions, words, decisions and behaviors, reflect the nature of your divine blueprint. It shows us how to remove masks, programmings and ancestral patterns. It teaches us where we abuse free-will and reminds us of how to be authentic, powerful, influential and an example...

Love and honor these things in self and each other and focus on where it can take you and what it truly means, instead of how it makes one look and how it seems. When we see Truth, we see perfection in all things and we know how to find our way home...

*

*photo by Emily Kell

If you only feel the mosquitoes when you go into forest, you will miss the totality.

Life has changed somewhat dramatically. In the best possible way. Steven and I broke up. Bittersweet. It isn't that I wanted us to end. The way things were going were not how they were when we first got together. We had something sweet. He and I are both sensitive, caring souls. I had so much hope something more would blossom from such a tender connection. Reminiscing on some of the first intimate moments together. Tantra describes moments of intimacy when two people are aligned with the infinite. We had that connection. Depression is a sad thing. The end of a relationship can feel like a death, but it can also feel like a new life.

A new sense of freedom has arrived. I am sad to lose Steven, but it's his time to find his own potential.  Depression will cloud your reality in such a pervasive manner that you forget what you are endowed with, what you enjoy, what you want from life. I want him to remember those things for himself. I can't tell if he felt pressure from me or from the general sense of pressure that can come from being in a relationship. Regardless, I don't think now is the time for us. That doesn't mean the future may not hold something, if we are both wiser and stronger. At this point in my life, I can't put my eggs in any basket until my own is full. 

So after all of this went down, some strange coincidences started to appear and reappear. An old friend of mine moved back to my home town. We've randomly kept steady contact through social media. Our conversations tend to run in the spiritual realm. It's nice to feel on the same page, so I was more than happy to hear he would be a walk down the street. When he told me he was coming he said, "the thelema, you, and some other things have given me some inspiration" It felt meaningful that our daily facebook conversations had impacted him to feel better about life. A couple days later, someone I hadn't spoken to in years messaged me on facebook. His message was "hey please call me it's life or death" His best friend died in the war. He gave me his number, so I gave him a call. He had taken several pharmaceuticals. It was evident by his speech. He asked me why life was worth living. I replied, Andrew, I think you know the answer. Otherwise, you wouldn't have called. He didn't seem too coherent for conversation, so I asked if he would want some company the following night. He said I couldn't understand how happy he was to hear that. The next day I felt committed to see him. We hung out until the wee hours of the night. He seemed very happy to be with someone. He showed me his tattoo gun. I let him practice on my foot. He drunkenly attempted a heart which I will be getting re touched soon. :p... It made me smile to allow him to practice on me in a time where he felt helpless in his life. It was a successful, joyful night. The next night I was idling around, wondering what I would do with the night, when my roommate Kirk texted me. He said he and our friend Caila had had panic attacks when attempting to trip DXM. He asked me to come over to help with the situation. I felt compelled to act. Maybe it isn't significant. When people need help, they ask their friends and loved ones for help. I was very pleased they had asked me. It just felt right. It was significant to what I want to do with my life. I'm starting to see my calling in action. It isn't just what I want to do, it's what I have already been doing on a much smaller scale. It just feels like what I'm supposed to be doing, without any sort of special advantage. Just what I am genetically and spiritually suited for. I don't have the skill set or knowledge to help people to the extent that I want to, but I can do what I can with my limited experience.

If this is what I was meant to do, my mind has to be solid. I cannot make a partial commitment to my meditation. It has to a daily, sincere practice. It has been daily, but not every day has been strong or focused. Today, Krishnamurti brought this to life most vividly.

In the forest before medi, 

"'I will try to be free.' This is one of the most dreadful statements you can make. 'I will try.' There is no trying, no doing your best. Either you do it or you don't do it. You are admitting time while the house is burning. The house is burning as a result of the violence throughout the world and in yourself and you say, 'Let me think about it. Which ideology is best to put out the fire?' When the house is on fire, do you argue about the colour of the hair of the man who brings the water?"

Thank you, Krishnamurti, for bringing meditation alive today! Trying is a projection of the mind. You do or you don't. 

I finished meditation and walked through the trees. I came to a field of flowers and saw the totality of the universe in a single field. The energy was strong, so I decided to release an om. At the literal end of my om, my phone rang. The screen said Colorado. It was Naropa admissions calling me back from two days ago. The inexplicable beauty I felt to see it on the screen. Knowing I am going in the right direction. I called to the universe, and it called back. :)

Why do you bite, flea?

Sitting in meditation today, I asked the flea the question. Sometimes I forget we all have mind, carrying ancient wisdom of the collective consciousness. We do. We are all so connected, binded by our biology. Why would you ask a flea why he bites? Why do we ask the mind every day why it thinks? Or more accurately, why ego wants to bite. Ego is doing what ego is here to do. It is doing what secured its survival for millions of years. Born from a human consciousness that was not fully awake. Before it was one, aware of all, it was one. Just the right chain of events, will lead it to wake up. This happens in the individual, so, it also happens to the collective.

Purify.

After days of meditating, it is abundantly clear what is left from my past. The abuse is circulating through my brain. Appearing in my dreams and random actions throughout the day. I can sense the ptsd mind. But I know with meditation, dedication, and sincere concern for my own well being, I can kick it. Yesterday was an amazing one hour session. When I got up from the cushion to walk outside, it was the first time I had a very strong sense of duality. I could sense my mind changing gears as if it were going into a different universe where I would need an entirely different set of skills. Society is so strange. Mind boggling.

^^
The above was from a few days ago. !

Today was THE day. Every day is. There were too many synchronicities today for me to not be outrageously optimistic and open to receive what the world has in store. Starting with the most conspicuous...Walking down the aisle at work, I told myself I would pick up a book, flip open the page, and I would find a message. For some time now, I have been mentally preparing to move to Colorado to pursue grad school. For some time now, it's been heavy on my mind, starting to feel closer to ready. I reached into the cubby without looking and felt a national park guide book. I was kind of disappointed, hoping to pull essentially a philosophy book. I put the park book back and almost walked away. I stopped and remembered something directed me to that spot. There was energy there. I grabbed the book and thought, it's going to open to Colorado. I cracked the book spine and read the words, "Bison trail". Excitedly I didn't think it could be. I flipped the page back to see where Bison Trail was located. Rocky Mountain State Park. no fucking way. My life is changing in a big way. Or at least being re-directed. One other synchronicity worth mentioning happened when I got home from work. I wrote the word purify on my desktop. During my meditation today, I tried a guided meditation. During the peak of sit, she was talking about surrendering to the universe. I felt tension and almost asked for something. When she said purify. It's a common word in meditation, but the timing made it feel so meaningful. Life is almost a scavenger hunt sometimes.

To be expected

Naturally, I missed a few days of my 21 days of meditation. Probably the days I needed it most. After about 10 days of meditation, I could definitely tell a difference. You think, "wow, this really has changed my attitude and perception." It makes you ween off. It reminded me of anti depressants. They help the problem. You don't feel depressed and your motivation for living returns. You stop taking them, thinking you've got it, and then amotivational living comes back. Honestly, I'm ashamed to even say I feel that way ever. Life is such a gift. No matter if you live in the slums of India, a flat in Prague, or the suburbs of America, you are conscious. You have the ability to appreciate what you are and the complete wholeness of our world. You can be thankful to eat. You can appreciate a friendship or relationship. You can embrace the trees or the birds. There is always something we can live for. Using depression and post traumatic stress disorder as an excuse not to live is tiresome. I am not an unhappy person. I have gone through experiences, like everyone else, that have shaped my perception of the world. Being sexually abused has put me on a very subconscious level. Living day to day with a subconscious fear of pain. It is something we all feel each day to some degree. A post traumatic experience stretches the mind in a way that is just a little more difficult to bring it back. Truthfully, I am not worried that I can't bring it back. Many days I let fear live instead of me. I think we all do. Anyone can make a choice to live in place of fear. Sadghuru says that all we are is fear. "So the first thing to recognize is that right now you exist as a limited human being, with fears and anxieties. In fact, fear is the most basic and fundamental emotion within you. Almost every other emotion springs from that. You do not know love. You only know fear..." Not sure how I feel about this statement entirely... He is referring to, I think, those that are "asleep", unconscious. But I think love can exist in anyone. Love is the absence of fear. Though humans, by nature, start unconscious, we are designed to wake up. It is the fate of our evolution. The next couple of paragraphs are better articulated.

"So fear is also naturally there in every aspect on the spiritual path. It is very natural. If you are aware of the fear, then it is good. It is good that you are aware that you have fear before taking the next step and still you do not succumb to that fear. Now to overcome this, and to continue walking the path, there is one most essential thing you must have, and that is commitment. To be committed is the only thing you can do. You are incapable of faith. Your faith is like this: if something other than what you like happens, it will evaporate."

Again, he is referring to someone at a rudimentary level of spiritual awakening. However, I like that he reiterates commitment is the way to overcome your limitations and fears. With commitment, faith can arise. The highlight of the passage for me is, " Faith means you are not. Faith means who you are right now is not important for you. Something else has become far more important than you." 

I might even add, in this rudimentary level of awakening, far more important than who you believe yourself to be, or who you portray yourself as, your ego. I got a touch of that this weekend. My boyfriend and I had a long conversation, where I revealed some of my insecurities to him. We have come close to "taking a break" a few times, but it seems without a valid reason, just fear. Re-reading this passage, reinforced what was on my mind. Commitment is all. We're both at a hard time in our lives. In our 20s, attempting to understand what we want to do with our lives while receiving the barrage of shoulds from parents, society, friends, family. All the while attempting to keep ourselves whole and each other happy. The more I think about it the more I don't understand why it's been hard. Then again, I just finished meditating for about an hour and a half. Needless to say, feeling fresh and alive again after a weekend of drugs and alcohol. I am happy, but sometimes I feel impressionable towards others' emotions. If he is fearful or sad, it makes me sad or fearful. I can only understand my point of view and his insofar that he communicates his thoughts to me. From my point of view, I am fearful his depression is going to stop our progress. My problem is sometimes I can be apathetic. I'm sure it isn't easy being around someone who is hurting and won't come out. The army saying "Shell shocked" came from combatants who had ptsd, who couldn't come out of it. Likewise, it's not easy to be around someone who is depressed. Over and over again, I think, why don't we just be there for each other? We have a healthy relationship despite our own negative feelings. Who doesn't have negative feelings? No one is perfect, and no one feels perfect all the time. If you want to commit to someone, all of someone, their insecurities, their flaws, their strengths, their failures and successes, you have to love them for who they are. Not who you want them to be or an idealized version of them. A real relationship is grounded in reality. Who I am, who he is, who we are together. We understand and love each other. I feel more mutual compassion with him than I have with anyone else in my life. Being in your 20s can kind of suck. But I know it's worth it in the end.