To be expected

Naturally, I missed a few days of my 21 days of meditation. Probably the days I needed it most. After about 10 days of meditation, I could definitely tell a difference. You think, "wow, this really has changed my attitude and perception." It makes you ween off. It reminded me of anti depressants. They help the problem. You don't feel depressed and your motivation for living returns. You stop taking them, thinking you've got it, and then amotivational living comes back. Honestly, I'm ashamed to even say I feel that way ever. Life is such a gift. No matter if you live in the slums of India, a flat in Prague, or the suburbs of America, you are conscious. You have the ability to appreciate what you are and the complete wholeness of our world. You can be thankful to eat. You can appreciate a friendship or relationship. You can embrace the trees or the birds. There is always something we can live for. Using depression and post traumatic stress disorder as an excuse not to live is tiresome. I am not an unhappy person. I have gone through experiences, like everyone else, that have shaped my perception of the world. Being sexually abused has put me on a very subconscious level. Living day to day with a subconscious fear of pain. It is something we all feel each day to some degree. A post traumatic experience stretches the mind in a way that is just a little more difficult to bring it back. Truthfully, I am not worried that I can't bring it back. Many days I let fear live instead of me. I think we all do. Anyone can make a choice to live in place of fear. Sadghuru says that all we are is fear. "So the first thing to recognize is that right now you exist as a limited human being, with fears and anxieties. In fact, fear is the most basic and fundamental emotion within you. Almost every other emotion springs from that. You do not know love. You only know fear..." Not sure how I feel about this statement entirely... He is referring to, I think, those that are "asleep", unconscious. But I think love can exist in anyone. Love is the absence of fear. Though humans, by nature, start unconscious, we are designed to wake up. It is the fate of our evolution. The next couple of paragraphs are better articulated.

"So fear is also naturally there in every aspect on the spiritual path. It is very natural. If you are aware of the fear, then it is good. It is good that you are aware that you have fear before taking the next step and still you do not succumb to that fear. Now to overcome this, and to continue walking the path, there is one most essential thing you must have, and that is commitment. To be committed is the only thing you can do. You are incapable of faith. Your faith is like this: if something other than what you like happens, it will evaporate."

Again, he is referring to someone at a rudimentary level of spiritual awakening. However, I like that he reiterates commitment is the way to overcome your limitations and fears. With commitment, faith can arise. The highlight of the passage for me is, " Faith means you are not. Faith means who you are right now is not important for you. Something else has become far more important than you." 

I might even add, in this rudimentary level of awakening, far more important than who you believe yourself to be, or who you portray yourself as, your ego. I got a touch of that this weekend. My boyfriend and I had a long conversation, where I revealed some of my insecurities to him. We have come close to "taking a break" a few times, but it seems without a valid reason, just fear. Re-reading this passage, reinforced what was on my mind. Commitment is all. We're both at a hard time in our lives. In our 20s, attempting to understand what we want to do with our lives while receiving the barrage of shoulds from parents, society, friends, family. All the while attempting to keep ourselves whole and each other happy. The more I think about it the more I don't understand why it's been hard. Then again, I just finished meditating for about an hour and a half. Needless to say, feeling fresh and alive again after a weekend of drugs and alcohol. I am happy, but sometimes I feel impressionable towards others' emotions. If he is fearful or sad, it makes me sad or fearful. I can only understand my point of view and his insofar that he communicates his thoughts to me. From my point of view, I am fearful his depression is going to stop our progress. My problem is sometimes I can be apathetic. I'm sure it isn't easy being around someone who is hurting and won't come out. The army saying "Shell shocked" came from combatants who had ptsd, who couldn't come out of it. Likewise, it's not easy to be around someone who is depressed. Over and over again, I think, why don't we just be there for each other? We have a healthy relationship despite our own negative feelings. Who doesn't have negative feelings? No one is perfect, and no one feels perfect all the time. If you want to commit to someone, all of someone, their insecurities, their flaws, their strengths, their failures and successes, you have to love them for who they are. Not who you want them to be or an idealized version of them. A real relationship is grounded in reality. Who I am, who he is, who we are together. We understand and love each other. I feel more mutual compassion with him than I have with anyone else in my life. Being in your 20s can kind of suck. But I know it's worth it in the end.