If you only feel the mosquitoes when you go into forest, you will miss the totality.

Life has changed somewhat dramatically. In the best possible way. Steven and I broke up. Bittersweet. It isn't that I wanted us to end. The way things were going were not how they were when we first got together. We had something sweet. He and I are both sensitive, caring souls. I had so much hope something more would blossom from such a tender connection. Reminiscing on some of the first intimate moments together. Tantra describes moments of intimacy when two people are aligned with the infinite. We had that connection. Depression is a sad thing. The end of a relationship can feel like a death, but it can also feel like a new life.

A new sense of freedom has arrived. I am sad to lose Steven, but it's his time to find his own potential.  Depression will cloud your reality in such a pervasive manner that you forget what you are endowed with, what you enjoy, what you want from life. I want him to remember those things for himself. I can't tell if he felt pressure from me or from the general sense of pressure that can come from being in a relationship. Regardless, I don't think now is the time for us. That doesn't mean the future may not hold something, if we are both wiser and stronger. At this point in my life, I can't put my eggs in any basket until my own is full. 

So after all of this went down, some strange coincidences started to appear and reappear. An old friend of mine moved back to my home town. We've randomly kept steady contact through social media. Our conversations tend to run in the spiritual realm. It's nice to feel on the same page, so I was more than happy to hear he would be a walk down the street. When he told me he was coming he said, "the thelema, you, and some other things have given me some inspiration" It felt meaningful that our daily facebook conversations had impacted him to feel better about life. A couple days later, someone I hadn't spoken to in years messaged me on facebook. His message was "hey please call me it's life or death" His best friend died in the war. He gave me his number, so I gave him a call. He had taken several pharmaceuticals. It was evident by his speech. He asked me why life was worth living. I replied, Andrew, I think you know the answer. Otherwise, you wouldn't have called. He didn't seem too coherent for conversation, so I asked if he would want some company the following night. He said I couldn't understand how happy he was to hear that. The next day I felt committed to see him. We hung out until the wee hours of the night. He seemed very happy to be with someone. He showed me his tattoo gun. I let him practice on my foot. He drunkenly attempted a heart which I will be getting re touched soon. :p... It made me smile to allow him to practice on me in a time where he felt helpless in his life. It was a successful, joyful night. The next night I was idling around, wondering what I would do with the night, when my roommate Kirk texted me. He said he and our friend Caila had had panic attacks when attempting to trip DXM. He asked me to come over to help with the situation. I felt compelled to act. Maybe it isn't significant. When people need help, they ask their friends and loved ones for help. I was very pleased they had asked me. It just felt right. It was significant to what I want to do with my life. I'm starting to see my calling in action. It isn't just what I want to do, it's what I have already been doing on a much smaller scale. It just feels like what I'm supposed to be doing, without any sort of special advantage. Just what I am genetically and spiritually suited for. I don't have the skill set or knowledge to help people to the extent that I want to, but I can do what I can with my limited experience.

If this is what I was meant to do, my mind has to be solid. I cannot make a partial commitment to my meditation. It has to a daily, sincere practice. It has been daily, but not every day has been strong or focused. Today, Krishnamurti brought this to life most vividly.

In the forest before medi, 

"'I will try to be free.' This is one of the most dreadful statements you can make. 'I will try.' There is no trying, no doing your best. Either you do it or you don't do it. You are admitting time while the house is burning. The house is burning as a result of the violence throughout the world and in yourself and you say, 'Let me think about it. Which ideology is best to put out the fire?' When the house is on fire, do you argue about the colour of the hair of the man who brings the water?"

Thank you, Krishnamurti, for bringing meditation alive today! Trying is a projection of the mind. You do or you don't. 

I finished meditation and walked through the trees. I came to a field of flowers and saw the totality of the universe in a single field. The energy was strong, so I decided to release an om. At the literal end of my om, my phone rang. The screen said Colorado. It was Naropa admissions calling me back from two days ago. The inexplicable beauty I felt to see it on the screen. Knowing I am going in the right direction. I called to the universe, and it called back. :)